some memories are with us forever

I was writing a post int the 12wbt forums today  about tattoos, yes i have 2 of them , and they are full of sentiment to me, one being for my sister. She passed away  when just 8 days old, i was 6 years old.  i will show the pics and then i will get on with why I'm bloggerating today.

 the top pic is my first, for my sister, and was when i was 31

 the second on my  rather too thick leg, is for my kids and has all their names on it,

 the only thing I'm missing is my parents ,i had decided no more tatts but i may  add a little something for them, Anyway, as i was saying before, these tatts got me thinking about my sister and how things in life go.
I still remember being excited about having a  little brother or sister, i remember seeing baby items in mums room, for some reason i think it was a caravan  , I'm not sure if that's so. I remember going to the hospital  and not seeing  my new sister.

then it was like there was nothing for many years, no mention of her, no  real knowledge of what happened till i was older. I just knew that my sister didn't make it.
This was to be my childhood and adult life memory. even as i grew up i had many ifs. My mum never had any more children, It was just me, I'm wondering if it would have made a difference to my life if she either had another child ,  or is i didn't even remember she once existed.

I was often sad as a child , even sometimes now, still, after all these years its crazy.
 When i had no one to play with , when other kids talked of their siblings. when i had my first child and then became a single mum thinking she was all i would have. I wondered all these things.
If she had lived would i have been a good sister?, would we have had a good bond,? would i have suffered the separation anxiety i had when younger.?

I often fret about my future loneliness if i lose my parents. How will i cope on my own? I have wonderful step sisters, they are amazing women , but it still isn't quite like a blood sibling. even having half siblings  doesn't ease the worry when i have not spent more than a day in 37 years with any of them.

I wonder if this led to any of my irresponsible eating?
Loneliness was a terrible thing as a kid, i even used to play monopoly with my German shepherd i was so bored.
I still remember the little box of ashes my mum had in her wardrobe, the ashes i avoided, i knew how it all affected my mum,  and then in turn affected me. I still remember a callous family member asking me"so what was it like to have your sister die?"  I didn't even dignify that with a response, as i knew she was just trying to upset me..
When i had my 5 kids and people look at me like I'm crazy i just smile, my kids wont be lonely,  they will always have at least one other sibling they are willing to talk to lol.

I am not sure i ever will let go of that feeling i grew up with, even knowing that Alana had severe disabilities doesn't sink in. i have heard people say it was for the best with her as she would not have had any kind of life.  You cannot convince a child that loses a sister that  it was better off.  Even as i type this my eyes tear up. To  people who also have lost children and siblings  i see so many different reactions. some don't seem to take it on board emotionally as they already had a big family, or it happened before they were born and i think its fine how anyone decides to treat it. I felt like i had been robbed of a possibly stronger personality.
I  wasted too many years wishing for a brother or sister.  I need to try change those thoughts and be thankful for being alive and living  my life and giving my kids a life too.  My journey with 12wbt  will help me  to become stronger of mind and spirit and definitely body...

When my oldest daughter had her car accident in December last year, i felt the most incredible pain upon seeing her in her coma and realising just how close i came to losing her. This made me grab my family close and made me determined to get myself fitter and healthier and be there for  them for as long as i can.  If only i can get them to all stop trying to kill each other my family would feel complete.

Sorry for such a downer of a post. you gotta acknowledge the good in your life as well as the bad.
I love my mum for the pain she went through  and the sacrifice she made  when she met my dad and he couldn't father more kids.  shes one hell of a lady xxxxx  Also to my dad who raised me as his own and gave me  a chance to see what it was like to have a loving dad.